Saturday, February 9, 2008


Today I had to go to “baby class.” Apparently just getting pregnant isn’t enough. Now you’ve got to go to school for it. You get credits. Teenage moms take advanced-placement exams and graduate with honors. And husbands, first time husbands like myself, we get to sit there and learn about the three hundred ways that we could screw up our babies. Although, the only thing I learned is that if you give your kid breast milk, he’ll be a genius. And if you plan on giving your kid formula, you might as well just piss in the bottle. Apparently formula is what you give a child when the father won’t return your phone calls. Breast milk is from the mom who made the child. It’s specifically engineered to give the child all he needs for brain development. And formula is something else. It’s not real love, from-mommy food. It’s abusive, “I’m a foster parent for the money” food.
But after leaving class that evening, it occurred to me that this can’t be entirely true. There are probably many babies whose brains developed very well on Formula. How can you just say that breast milk is the only answer? What if the mother’s a drug addict? That kid would be better off nursing from a Red Bull.
And it’s a bit disturbing that they just call if “formula.” What’s it the formula for—getting a job at Burger King? Is it the formula for poor impulse control and hyperactivity? Collecting Tranformers? Crying when you hear a John Cougar Mellancamp song?
I think the problem with learning all this is that makes it so you can't help but judge your child. What if, for whatever reason, our children have to be fed formula? When they come home from school with B-grades on their report cards, and i forever going to think they were just a tit away from straight A's?
Fortunately for me, my wife is extremely healthy and plans on breastfeeding.

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